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Relationship with aduld daughter - 7/29/2010 12:34:19 AM
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johnswife
Posts: 224
Joined: 4/24/2010
Status: online
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My DD just spent two nights with me after two years of conflict. She is 32 and two years ago she left the husband she loved for another man who was 24. She has 5 children and I have had a very hard time seeing the kids or even talking to them on the phone.
While she was here the 5 kids were in another state with their dad for the summer. She was lonley and upset with her boyfriend so she started talking to me more. The problem is that now I'm glad she is gone back. I spent over $1,000 on the kids while she was here. All we did was shop for two full days. I didn't buy things for her but I still feel used. She has a way of getting whatever she wants and it is just too much for me. We were always so close before she left her husband.
She is no longer a believer and her boyfriend is antiChristian. Is it wrong for me to feel glad that she's gone? My husband works hard for our money and I am ashamed of spending so much. We don't have much and we never waste money. We don't have it to waste. I also got tired of her trying to make her BF seem like a good person. He's not. (He left bruises on my 12yold grandson, won't alow them to hang the 10 commandments in their rooms, ect.) I also can't mention things like God, prayer, faith, church, ect. without her negative comments. She lies now. So I can't beleive what she says.
I could never understand how someone could disown their owm child but I just don't want her in my life anymore. I will of corse do whatever it takes to stay in touch with my grandkids. Is it a sin for me to feel this way?
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 7/29/2010 1:26:22 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2742
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: johnswif
She is no longer a believer and her boyfriend is antiChristian. Is it wrong for me to feel glad that she's gone?
A Christian smells like life to another Christian and like death to a nonChristian, and vice versa. I'd be glad to have that smell gone, too. I'd be glad to have a person gone who is twisting my emotions to get my money. I wouldn't feel safe around them.
quote:
My husband works hard for our money and I am ashamed of spending so much.
Then you have to say, "I'm sorry. I'd like to help but I don't have any spare money - it's spent before the paycheck comes." Or your husband needs to tell her, "We want the best for you but none of my paycheck is extra and it's already budgeted for your mom's and my needs and bills. Wife, do not spend money."
It could be you're aware that she doesn't love any of you properly (she sure didn't love her husband) and maybe spending on her will make her come around more often. You're going to have to grab yourself by the collar and tell yourself that if she's only there for convenience or money, that's not love and you can't afford to pay for her non-love.
If she only shows up when she needs your money and you refuse it, then you may see less of her in the future. Buying things for her kids is emotional blackmail if she'll cut you off if you don't.
quote:
I also got tired of her trying to make her BF seem like a good person.
Keep telling the truth: "A man who commits adultery is not a good person but is an adulterer. A man who hurts children is not a good man but is a child abuser."
It's going to make her mad, but what are you going to do? Throw away your faith and morals to buy the attention of a person who is only there because you have money? What are you getting out of this deal? Time with her and maybe opportunity to see your grandchildren. That's a big inducement, but not to sell your soul over.
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He left bruises on my 12yold grandson
CALL THE POLICE!!! They will throw the guy in jail and might take the kids away from a mother who doesn't protect them. If the situation warrants it, they may give the kids to their father with visitation for the grandparents. Or the father will ask you to help him and you'll get to help raise them.
Take pictures of the bruises, too - find out what neighbor has a camera if you don't have one. Do not let this situation go one bruise further. Those kids need rescuing and you may be the only person who can.
You can wait for the next time there are bruises and take pictures of them, or you can call the police in the next five minutes and tell them you saw bruises on them. They will send someone to the house and look for bruises themselves.
Please, do not keep quiet! You may be those children's only hope of rescue.
quote:
won't alow them to hang the 10 commandments in their rooms, ect.)
This wouldn't cut any ice in court, and they know about the Ten Commandments.
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I also can't mention things like God, prayer, faith, church, ect. without her negative comments.
Will you emasculate your faith because of her negative comments? That doesn't break bones. There are people who willingly let themselves be burned at the stake because they wouldn't pretend to give up their faith. Be strong and courageous, Christian!
quote:
I could never understand how someone could disown their owm child but I just don't want her in my life anymore. I will of corse do whatever it takes to stay in touch with my grandkids. Is it a sin for me to feel this way?
It is not a sin to not like someone. The question is, what does God expect you to do? Was she a member of your church? Then do church discipline (Matt. 18:15-17). Tell her her sin and ask her to repent (turn around and stop doing it). Go back with witnesses and ask her again. If she refuses to turn away from her sin, tell it to the church. If she still refuses, excommunicate her.
Excommunication is to be a visual aid, so to speak, to show a person what it is like to be outside of God's family and salvation. It doesn't sound like she would care, but so far she's done whatever horrible thing she's wanted with no resistance from anyone. It makes Christianity and God look like a toothless old lion no one has to worry about.
Go look at 1 Corinthians 5, the whole chapter. Paul chewed out the Corinthian church for tolerating a guy in sexual sin and for not kicking him out of the church. Now your daughter isn't in the church anymore, but God's ways still operate and hint of power and glory she's not seeing right now.
She's not going to like it that you aren't rolling over for her anymore, but maybe she needs to see that a Christian has standards they won't violate. They don't lie about what they believe, they don't spend money they don't have, they don't pretend being blackmailed is okay if it gets them a few minutes with the grandkids. Being a Christian may get you cut off a few years to get them back later, or it may make your daughter think the free money source dried up and you won't see the kids again until they are grown (a terrible thing to contemplate). What do they need you to be?
If she cuts you off, then report them to the police if you haven't already, because you won't get another chance to take pictures of the bruises. Don't leave your grandkids in harm. In your shoes, I'd get off the computer right now and call the police. They will call CPS and the ball will get rolling.
Your daughter has created a horrible mess. It's not your fault that she left her husband and is fornicating with this creep, but you can do something to rescue those kids. Bring some good into their lives and be some good to them.
God give you wisdom and strength, and bring great good out of this horrible situation. I am praying for you tonight. (((HUgs)))
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 7/29/2010 2:04:21 AM
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johnswife
Posts: 224
Joined: 4/24/2010
Status: online
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quote:
CALL THE POLICE!!! They will throw the guy in jail and might take the kids away from a mother who doesn't protect them. If the situation warrants it, they may give the kids to their father with visitation for the grandparents. I tried the police but it didn't help. She met them at the door with a story and they didn't even see the kids. I tried social services too. They yelled at my granddaughter and made it worse. Both times the kids got punished for talking to me. That's why I said that I would do whatever it takes to be able to communicate with them. Both times I tried to help it made things worse for the kids. Couldn't get photos of the bruises becuse I didn't see them. I do know they were real. The kids told me later (diffferent kids at different times about different bruises). I told the kids when their dad was here Thanksgiving to tell him that Grandpa, Grandma, Daddy, and 2 Uncles said he wasn't alowed to hit them anymore. After that it was better for the 12 yo but we couldn't speak to them on the phone or see them until May. They live 4 hours away and my DH & I fimally took Christmas gifts and put them in their yars in March. Even then DD & her BF threatened to call the police. The kids weren't even alowed to look out the window. That's why I was glad she came to visit. Things are getting better. The kids got to spend time with us and their dad.
quote:
The question is, what does God expect you to do? Was she a member of your church? That's what bothers me the most. What does He expect me to do? She didn't go to church but her husband and she both believed. He was baptised but she wasn't. Now she doesn't want to hear about it. I wanted her here because I thought we would talk and it would improve our relationship. We didn't and it didn't help anything.
quote:
Your daughter has created a horrible mess. It's not your fault that she left her husband and is fornicating with this creep, but you can do something to rescue those kids. Bring some good into their lives and be some good to them. That is why I try so hard to get along with her but I can't accept him or their relationship. I feel dirty just spending time with her. But if that is what it takes to protect the kids I'll continue.
I love my daughter just as much now as I always have. I just don't like her anymore and don't want to be around her as long as she is living such a sinful life. I feel like I'm letteing her down when I don't try to help her find her way back. She resist everything that goes aginst her BF and his wants and needs.
This is the first time I have spent money that I shouldn't have spent on her family. That was my sin not hers. I didn't buy anything the kids didn't need. I just spent more than I ment to. I let her influence me when I knew better.
quote:
I am praying for you tonight. Thanks. I am praying too - all the time. For her soul, her family, and her children's protection. I sometimes pray for her BF's soul too but I will never like him or accept him.
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 7/29/2010 8:14:20 AM
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bolt.
Posts: 2322
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
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It's nice that she visited. Maybe she is healing a little, and maybe your relationship with her will improve little by little.
But obviously it is (right now) a deeply unhealthy relationship for both of you -- and it's just fine that you are happy that she is gone.
She had no right to pressure you for gifts for the children -- that was her being unhealthy. You had no reason to use your wallet to try and make things better between you -- that was you being unhealthy.
She makes many choices that are bad for herself and her children (that's her being unhealthy), but you seem to dwell on them and tie yourself up in knots even when they are long past, and to try random and hurtful methods of intervening (that's you being unhealthy).
I suggest you try to love her and the kids as much as possible, and in this situation that means that you should probably try to know as little as possible about what goes on in her life... and especially don't try to get information from your grandchildren -- they've been through a lot, and they don't need you dragging them into another painful mess. Just let them be kids.
(If they disclose abuse, make an anonymous report to CPS with all the details... EVERY TIME... quantity works... eventually. It's not your job to do CPS's work, just to report what you know.)
Don't fight with them, don't threaten them. If things get heated on the phone say, "This isn't helping us. Can I call you back another day?" Then hang up.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 7/29/2010 8:34:59 AM
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Samsonite12
Posts: 45
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
(If they disclose abuse, make an anonymous report to CPS with all the details... EVERY TIME... quantity works... eventually. It's not your job to do CPS's work, just to report what you know.)
Please do not stop contacting CPS. It may not be working now, but if you keep it out it will either word or be too overwhelming they can't check it out.
Prayers for you and your grandkids! I'll pray for your daughter as well, and her bf. How is her ex-husband doing?
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 7/29/2010 9:09:51 AM
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hotsaucygma
Posts: 3884
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: online
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Could it be that the new BF tries to isolate her from you? Often abusers/controllers try to remove any support system of the one they are abusing, with that support removed the person then "buys into" or seems to accept the situation they are in as normal.
I don't know your daughter's situation, but disowning or removing her from your life will remove the only stable and Christian influence in her life right now, and if she ever came to believe she needed to leave this situation might make her feel like she doesn't have anyplace to go.
That does not mean that you need to accept or like the situation, "agree" with your daughter that her actions are/were "ok", or in any way sell out your own beliefs. You don't have to go out of your way to mention God, faith or prayer, but you can still show her God, your own faith and pray for her. I don't necessarily mean not to talk about God or your faith, but showing her is more important than her hearing it anyway, right?
As for the kids, CPS will keep a reporter's name confidential but it is often not too hard for someone to figure out that if "Mom" visited yesterday and CPS calls tomorrow with a complaint, that it was "Mom" that called them. I would say to still call- explain that the kids and you (you weren't allowed to talk to them etc.) were "punished" after their (CPS) last visit to the home so if they could talk to the kids somewhere else or in some other way it might be easier on the kids. Or do not indicate who you are, you could be a neighbor etc. You would still have to be careful of timing or giving too much specific information that would indicate to your daughter & BF who the reporter was.
I would also agree not to "pump" the kids or ask them too many questions about what's happening at home, but if they disclose information during a visit, act on it - again being careful about how/when/details that would be a giveaway that you were the one that made the call to CPS. The information you give when you call is going to be relayed to the parent(s) in some way, as part of the investigation, it's hard to check on a situation without asking specific questions about the details of it.
Could you call their school and ask the teacher/principal to be on the watch for any brusing or problems? Teachers are mandated reporters.
You are in a tough situation. To answer one of your original questions - no, it is not wrong to feel glad that she is gone, I'm sure it is a relief in one way, and a worry for you in another!
I would guess you probably won't make the same mistake of spending so much the next time- but it is easy to get caught up in the moment and do more than you should. And yes, you will have to be the one to not let anyone "guilt" or "push" you to spend more than you should. Maybe one way would be to take only as much money with you as you could comfortably spend and leave the checkbook and credit cards at home so there isn't a way to overspend. I can understand the desire to see that the kids have things they need, and that you were glad to be spending time with your daughter though.
As I said, it's a though situation and one that will not resolve quickly or easily - or may never "resolve", I'm afraid you're in for a long road. Keep praying, keep depending on your Lord, you will get through it. Maybe not in the manner you hope and pray for, but leaning on Him, you will get through.
_____________________________
Arrogance boasts. Confidence is quiet, it has no need to boast.
Wisdom from an email I received a few days ago.
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 7/29/2010 12:30:17 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1234
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: johnswife
My DD just spent two nights with me after two years of conflict. She is 32 and two years ago she left the husband she loved for another man who was 24. She has 5 children and I have had a very hard time seeing the kids or even talking to them on the phone.
While she was here the 5 kids were in another state with their dad for the summer. She was lonley and upset with her boyfriend so she started talking to me more. The problem is that now I'm glad she is gone back. I spent over $1,000 on the kids while she was here. All we did was shop for two full days. I didn't buy things for her but I still feel used. She has a way of getting whatever she wants and it is just too much for me. We were always so close before she left her husband.
*You will have to learn to "keep your wits about you" next time your daughter comes to you with a sob story about her bf. Next time say..."I would love to help you financially but we aren't in that good of shape to help...the last time I helped buy things for the grandchildren put us in a real bind and I can't do that anymore."
She is no longer a believer and her boyfriend is antiChristian. Is it wrong for me to feel glad that she's gone?
*No, because I actually believe you are glad that "her stressful drama" is gone.
My husband works hard for our money and I am ashamed of spending so much. We don't have much and we never waste money. We don't have it to waste. I also got tired of her trying to make her BF seem like a good person. He's not. (He left bruises on my 12yold grandson, won't alow them to hang the 10 commandments in their rooms, ect.) I also can't mention things like God, prayer, faith, church, ect. without her negative comments.
*So she makes comments... not a big deal. It's typical of those who are worldly and or backsliders.
She lies now. So I can't beleive what she says.
*The lying, since she can't be trusted then why would buy clothing etc... for 5 children when they weren't even present? She can tell a sob story all she wants but the children are spending the summer with their father... he should be providing for them. Did you call their father and check out her story before going on the shopping spree?
I could never understand how someone could disown their owm child but I just don't want her in my life anymore. I will of corse do whatever it takes to stay in touch with my grandkids. Is it a sin for me to feel this way?
*It's the soap opera-type drama that's not wanted and who can blame you?
Continue praying for her and the children... and report any all abuse to the proper authorities every time it happens. It could be the two year old relationship between her and the younger boyfriend is wearing thin... I don't know of many guys that age who want to take on raising or looking after 5 children especially when one of them is nearly half his own age.
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 7/29/2010 5:05:46 PM
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johnswife
Posts: 224
Joined: 4/24/2010
Status: online
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quote:
I think you need to be willing to "let her go". No amount of "helping" is going to drag her back into right living, God is going to have to do that. Thanks Magie. I usually agree with your take on things. I do feel that it's time to "let go", but that did bring a feeling of guilt. Now I just feel relief that she's gone home. When we feel guilt I believe it is the Holy Spirit. Today I don't feel so guilty and I'm not sure if it's because I have hardend my heart or because it's time to let go at least for a while.
quote:
However, obviously the children are a concern, and it's right to want to help them. You need to keep pursuing the CPS route. If you know someone who knows family law, they might be able to help you with the most effective route to getting your voice heard and your grandchildren to safety. I used to think the same that CPS was the answer but not anymore. Too many things go unnoticed and at other times they step in where they shouldn't. I called more than once with bad results for the kids. The kids are tought to lie to protect "the family". I have learned that keeping comunication open is the only way to help.
quote:
Could it be that the new BF tries to isolate her from you? Often abusers/controllers try to remove any support system of the one they are abusing, with that support removed the person then "buys into" or seems to accept the situation they are in as normal. YES. That makes it hard for me to "let go".
quote:
I don't know your daughter's situation, but disowning or removing her from your life will remove the only stable and Christian influence in her life right now, and if she ever came to believe she needed to leave this situation might make her feel like she doesn't have anyplace to go. Very good point. I do need to let her know that she will be welcome to come to me for help if she should want to leave him. If I fight her too much that can't hapen.
quote:
You had no reason to use your wallet to try and make things better between you -- that was you being unhealthy. You're right as usuall Bolt. I have already come to that truth on my own. quote:
Don't fight with them, don't threaten them. If things get heated on the phone say, "This isn't helping us. Can I call you back another day?" Then hang up. I agree. I have done this several times already. Also I don't "pump" the kids. I try not to talk too much about their home life but things still come up. That kind of lifestyle always shows through. The teachers all think Mom & BF are perfect and the kids are just ADHD. 4 of the 5 have been on meds. Now 3 are, the oldest just learned how to make everyone think everything is fine. She is 15. The BF is 26.
quote:
The lying, since she can't be trusted then why would buy clothing etc... for 5 children when they weren't even present? She can tell a sob story all she wants but the children are spending the summer with their father... he should be providing for them. Did you call their father and check out her story before going on the shopping spree? I talk to their dad at least 2x a week. He is wonderful and he loves his kids. He agreeded to buy their shoes and backpacks. He pays a lot of child support, buys all their Christmas presents, and sends extra money for birthdays and anytime something comes up that their Mom and BF won't pay for. He gives in too easily but most of the time they ask only when it's important. They really needed the clothing and Mom & BF spend all their money on things that are important to them. I didn't wast the money. 5 kids means I spent about $150 each plus a computer for the 12yo who needs it for the classes he is taking at school. That's not much for clothing and school suplies. I just feel guilty because she should put her kids first and BF second. My husband works construction in the FL heat and we're not rich. She works one or two days a week.
quote:
It could be the two year old relationship between her and the younger boyfriend is wearing thin... I don't know of many guys that age who want to take on raising or looking after 5 children especially when one of them is nearly half his own age. That's one of the things I pray for. For months I prayed for protection for the kids 3x a day. I still pray for them 2x - 3x a day. Prayer does work. Their lives have gotten much better. I don't worry about them. God is in control. BUt I still worry about my daughter. She is hard hearted and I worry about her soul.
THANKS EVERYONE! I feel so much better now. It helps very much to talk to other Christians about things like this.
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 7/29/2010 8:33:23 PM
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jn1010lf
Posts: 698
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline
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Hello johnswife
First, if you have any indication that your grandchildren are being physically abused, you need to report it to the authorities. Other than that, I can say that I'm much in the same boat. My son married a non believer. This woman also has maintained a questionable relationship with a female friend of hers - questionable because she is just too close to her and too involved.
Unfortunately, there isn't too much grandparents can do these days. If you could prove that your daughter and her boy friend are not fit parents, you might get custody of you grand children. But that's only in extreme cases, such as drugs that makes them unable to care for kids.
I suppose the only thing you can do is to pray over the situation - come against the spiritual forces that influence you daughter. I presume she knows how you feel.
Sorry I can't be of more help but many grandparents go through what you have to endure. I feel for you. You might enlist other believing grandparents and ask them to pray with you.
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 7/30/2010 11:48:58 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1234
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
They really needed the clothing and Mom & BF spend all their money on things that are important to them. I didn't wast the money. 5 kids means I spent about $150 each plus a computer for the 12yo who needs it for the classes he is taking at school. That's not much for clothing and school suplies. I just feel guilty because she should put her kids first and BF second. My husband works construction in the FL heat and we're not rich. She works one or two days a week.
*Their mom can learn the value of bargain shopping, second hand stores and yard sales... children clothing is plentiful and cheap-- often the person doing the yard sale will throw in extra clothing for free just to get rid of it.
We have 8 grandchildren and their parents have learned how to bargain shop and do yard sales... the economy here isn't that great either so we understand about money being tight. The things we do buy for them are shoes, underwear or pj's.
Nothing to feel guilty about-- your daughter is trying hard to please her bf... after all she left her husband for him...and she's probably facing the reality that the relationship isn't all it's cracked up to being. Her children needed clothing and she worked her angle. Next time head to second hand stores or yard sales and buy jeans
& tops for way less money.
Since the ex husband provides generously there shouldn't be any reason for his children to be in need of clothing. It would also be wise for the ex to have his former wife account for the money he sends for the children.
I am surprised the 12 year old's school requires him to have his own computer for class? When schools have their own computers in the classroom... and the library has computers. Are you able to contact the 12 year old by computer?
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 7/31/2010 2:05:44 AM
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johnswife
Posts: 224
Joined: 4/24/2010
Status: online
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I always bargan shop, including thrift shops and yard sales and my DD does too. The school doesn't require him to have a computer. He has special needs that make the classes very hard for him. The computer will make the difference in his being able pass these classes. His school suggested it. He has had a very hard time with school in the two years without his dad. The BF makes stupid jokes about him and that makes it worse.
The kids dad doesn't require any accountalility. He is a passive person and wants to do whatever he can to help the kids and even my daughter and at the same time avoid conflict. The BF spends almost all of his money on himself. They live in a nice house in a good neighborhood. I can't complain about that. At first they lived in a very small 2 bed apt. and that was when the kids were mistreated. 5 kids in one room was very stressful for everyone. My daughter's car broke down and he wouldn't let her get it fixed. She left it on the side of the road to please him. She just got another cheep one. Then she had to spend money on tires and repairs. Still I shouldn't have let her have her way. She chose to leave a good provider for someone who is selfish.
The money I spent was just a small part of a larger problem. She wouldn't let me play the radio in the car because I listen to Christian music. I couldn't talk about church. Anything I said upset her. She keeps trying to get me to like her BF. I can't. Before she met him he had asked my neice "Are you married." She told him "yes" and he said "Does it matter?" Now my daughter talks about marring him! My daughter was always very honest now she's not. When we were shopping she got a shirt for her BF and when I refused to pay for it she said that I was just too stuburn. I just didn't enjoy a minute of her visit. But as long as I am on good terms with my daughter I get to see and talk to the kids.
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 7/31/2010 12:37:53 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1234
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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Sorry you misunderstood what I was getting at... I mean do you know for a fact the 12 year is
actually getting to use the computer? The bf could have and be using it. That's why I asked if you are able to
contact your grandson by computer.
The bf is verbally abusing a special needs child and the child needs
extra tutoring/mentoring are his needs actually being met at home?
The dad lives in another state and you are trying to maintain a relationship with the
grandchildren by pacifying your daughter which is difficult to do regardless of how much
you love the grands the mom is ultimately the one calling the shots and as you have explained
in your posts she wants you to accept her bf and treat him like you would a SIL... even though they
aren't married. One day she may say accept him or you don't get to see the grandchildren...this could
happen whether they marry or not.
Have you thought about pursuing grandparents visitation? 50 states have that on their "books".
Check it out in your own state and see if it's something you should pursue.
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 7/31/2010 9:43:00 PM
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sharonjef2007
Posts: 3351
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What does God want you to do?
He wants you to love your daughter. Loving her means setting boundries. Loving her means letting her know that you don't tolerate her lies and manipulation. Loving her means telling her the truth.
(((BIG HUGS))) It is soooooooooo hard when it is not just the adult hurting themselves, but when innocent children are involved. I have come to realize though with some family of my own that there is only so much you can do. Pray for them....put them in God's hands. That really is the best place for them.
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 8/4/2010 11:33:21 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1234
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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(Here's my reply to the news she's wanting to get married.)
When I saw the new thread the first thing I thought was about my last post
in your other thread.... One day she may say accept him or you don't get to see the grandchildren...this could
happen whether they marry or not.
Now it appears a wedding could happen in the very near future -- oh my!
quote:
What can I say to her? How can I help her? I love my daughter. I love my grandkids. I know she wants to do what's right but she doesn't want to listen to me about what I think.
*You've given her all the advice you can and she has chosen to follow her own heart.
All you can do now is pray for all of them because they really need the Lord.
How can you help her?
Love her and be patient with her but do set up some healthy boundaries. Have every one at church praying for her and him -- your daughter is blind and chooses not to get a guide. She's floundering in darkness and the enemy's deceptions.
Remember to set in place healthy boundaries so you aren't overwhelmed by her situation and actions.
She has made her own life hard and is trying to make her own form righteousness but we know
that won't work. She seems bound and determined to learn things the hard way... and I'm sorry you have to watch her make bad decisions over and over again.
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 8/4/2010 8:35:58 PM
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johnswife
Posts: 224
Joined: 4/24/2010
Status: online
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Thanks Jamiestarcross and everyone from the other post.
My DD won't answer the phone today so I will give her some time.
She ran away from home when she was 16 to marry her 16yo BF. He was a bad kid. The reason he talked her into running away was because he broke into someone's home on his street and thought he was going to get in trouble. She said she was pregnant but wasn't yet. It didn't take long for her to get that way. She was a mom at 17 and had her second child at 18. After she left him for cheating and trying to kill her at age 18, she "forgave" me for trying to stop her from getting married. Now she is doing the same thing again.
She needs prayers! Please pray and if you already have pray again.
I think I was looking for magic words that would change her mind but sometimes we must "let go and let God".
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 8/5/2010 12:47:12 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1234
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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Sorry johnswife there are no magic words to make her change her mind... she
has to make that decision.
Your daughter is strong-willed and if she ever does come to her senses --repents
and so forth...what a dynamic lady she could be for the Lord... that's what I see in my mind's eye so to speak.
She has boldness (to a point) but when that boldness and strong will isn't checked
by the Lord the person often makes a mess of their life and the consequences
from their bad decisions are grievous.
This one is for you:
Other refuge have I none
Other refuge have I none;
Hangs my helpless soul on Thee:
Leave, ah! leave me not alone,
Still support and comfort me.
All my trust on Thee is stayed,
All my help from Thee I bring;
Cover my defenseless head
With the shadow of Thy wing! Amen.
A prayer for your daughter:
“Father, please give my child a heart that will recognize You as the Lord. Teach Your ways to her that she might live according to Your truth as opposed to the world’s counterfeit truth or her own emotions. Grant her purity of heart that she may honor You in all she says and does. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 8/6/2010 3:58:08 PM
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johnswife
Posts: 224
Joined: 4/24/2010
Status: online
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quote:
Other refuge have I none
Other refuge have I none;
Hangs my helpless soul on Thee:
Leave, ah! leave me not alone,
Still support and comfort me.
All my trust on Thee is stayed,
All my help from Thee I bring;
Cover my defenseless head
With the shadow of Thy wing! Amen. Thank you Jamiestarcross. It's beautiful and true!
My daughter called today and said she had another invitation for me. She said her and BF wanter to get baptised. They haven't been to church, prayed about it, read the Bible, talked to a priest, or consider themselfs saved. I told her that she needed to learn a little more about the meaning of baptism. I suggested she go to or call a minister at one of the churches in her neighborhood.
I truly believe that she wants to make her sin OK without repenting. She has been living with BF for two years. I didn't tell her that she needed to live apart and each work on their relationship with God before getting married. I just suggested she talk to a minister.
Here is my other post:
quote:
My daughter just e-mailed me to see if I would attend her wedding if she got marrried next week. She left her second husband for another man 2 years ago. The BF is a controling man and addimitted that he didn't care that she was married with kids when they met. He doesn't let her do anything with out his permission. Made her give up her car - wouldn't fix the second car she bought- doesn't want her to visit me - makes her think she isn't able to do anything as good as him ect.
She had a good husband - Godly, good dad, loving husband, hard worker, good provider, always tried to make her happy. They were very much in love and happy. Now she says she wasn't happy and wasn't "in love" with her husband. I reminded her how they were giggling and couldn't keep their hands off each other just 4 months before she met the BF. She didn't want to hear it.
She is divorced but her ex husband loves the kids and would take her back. Please help me know what to say to my daughter about this. She is making a mistake that will hurt her and her children. She said that she wanted to get married this time with "God overseeing it" instead of the court. I think that she believes that if she is married by a minister then her marriage will be better. I explaned to her that God wouldn't bless a sin full union. That she would still be sinning even if she married him.
Neither DD or BF attend church, read the Bible or pray. He told the kids he was an atheist - now she says that he isn't. (He refused to let them hang the 10 commandments in their room ect.) Before she met him she was a Christian but had never been baptised and wasn't attending church regularly.
What can I say to her? How can I help her? I love my daughter. I love my grandkids. I know she wants to do what's right but she doesn't want to listen to me about what I think.
I will not send her to this forum, but I will e-mail her the answers I receive here. I had talked about my DD in a post in relationships last week.
Please! Please! Pray for her!!!! Your prayers are helping. At least she is trying to find a way to make it right. She is still way off the mark but I am hopeful.
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 8/6/2010 4:19:20 PM
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sharonjef2007
Posts: 3351
Status: offline
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quote:
I didn't tell her that she needed to live apart and each work on their relationship with God before getting married. I just suggested she talk to a minister.
Very wise counsel! Anything more than that would probably not be heard by her anyhow. I'm glad you have an outlet here though to sort through all of this. CW does have it's good points ;-)
Glad the prayers may be starting to work. Will continue to pray her heart is opened and softened so she can hear the truth and make wise decisions. Even if she does not go back to her ex-husband, it would be wise for her to not move forward with the current dude.
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 8/10/2010 12:55:04 PM
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johnswife
Posts: 224
Joined: 4/24/2010
Status: online
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My daughter's still set on marring her BF on Friday. It's hard and I feel so helpless. I have finally given it up to God. Your situation could be much worse. My daughter is completely controlled by this man. She is a different person and she is unhappy. The man is an atheist. He hurts my grandkids. The last time I was with her I was happy to see her leave. It's hard to believe because before I loved every minute of our time together. Now I can feel the evil when I walk into her house. It's oppressive.
She hasn't said anything else about getting baptized. Hopefully that won't happen unless they really mean it. I know it was just a ploy to make their sin look good. Her ex-husband sent her flowers on Saturday and told her that he still loved her. She said "I just don't love him that way." That hurts so much. She does love him and she is doing something that will make it impossible to ever go back to him.
Even though I have given this problem to God I don't feel the peace that I usually feel after I give up control. I can't stop crying.
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 8/10/2010 5:03:45 PM
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sharonjef2007
Posts: 3351
Status: offline
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quote:
Even though I have given this problem to God I don't feel the peace that I usually feel after I give up control. I can't stop crying.
Keep praying....we will pray along side of you. (((hugs))) I still think it is different when an adult family member makes these kinds of choices when children are not involved. However, the decisions she is making now are not just hurting her, they are hurting innocent children. That is heartbreaking..... Expecially when you know that unless something major happens, there is very little that can be done.
God is bigger than your daughters BF. God goes deeper than all of these holes she is digging for herself and her children. And, love your daughter and grandkids whenever you have the opportunity.
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 8/10/2010 5:27:24 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2742
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sharonjef2007.
God is bigger than your daughters BF. God goes deeper than all of these holes she is digging for herself and her children.
Wise words, Sharon.
I am praying for you guys today, dear one. (((HUgs)))
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 8/11/2010 4:22:11 PM
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johnswife
Posts: 224
Joined: 4/24/2010
Status: online
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She call ed off the wedding and the baptism!! God is good, all powerful and all knowing. Never underestimate the power of prayer and fasting!
Thanks everyone for the prayers and support.
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RE: Relationship with aduld daughter - 8/11/2010 5:38:11 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2742
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: johnswife
She call ed off the wedding and the baptism!! God is good, all powerful and all knowing. Never underestimate the power of prayer and fasting!
Thanks everyone for the prayers and support.
Whoo-woo! Praise the Lord!
May she continue and start making good moral choices for the other issues now, too.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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