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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 3:15:10 PM
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Samsonite12
Posts: 45
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No, that is the story. She was scared, he touched her chest with intent.
I did not say "Past sexual sin on her part" ElecticJoy. It was his sin, it hurt her, that upsets me.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 3:16:46 PM
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bkj1981
Posts: 1787
Joined: 2/14/2010
From: The Great State of Extreme Confusion
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Welcome to FCN, blueinsulation67. Please don't let my wife and I's avatars confuse you (the avatars are the same). May I add my two cents here?
My wife had a VERY difficult childhood and early adult years. She was not a Christian. She had relationships with many people who were not Christians. Many people abused her emotionally, physically, and mentally. By the grace of God (and ONLY by the grace of God), she made it through those brambles and thorns of life, found our Lord and Savior, and is now the most Godly woman I know.
We discussed her past (and my own not-so-pretty past) in great detail before we married. Hearing it was NOT easy. There were times that if those people had been in the room, the selfish HUMAN part of me would have wanted to gouge out their eyes. They HURT my Sweetheart. So that made the selfish part of me want to hurt them just as badly.
So, what did I (and what DO I) do?
I prayed for those people. And I still do. For the hope that they will somehow find salvation through Christ themselves. And I also realized that the past is the past. Nothing that happened can be changed. No one can take it away.
So much of it is attitude. So focus on the great lady that your GF has become. The trials and brambles and thorns she went through have helped to mold her into the person she is today. That's how you can deal with it.
It is very difficult, if not impossible, to remain angry at someone when you are praying for them. Thanks for reading.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 3:18:51 PM
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Samsonite12
Posts: 45
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Thank you everyone for her concern for her.
Turn your concern into prayers for me, please. If there is fault in me then our God will help me with that.
Mousie said that a future spouse has to be teachable. If I am doing wrong I am willing to learn. I am not going to throw away this relationship. I feel like that would be a waste. No, I am not bringing this up all the time. We have talked about it twice in two years, the first time was her bringing it up, the second time was me.
I do not judge her nor hold this against her. If there is a problem then its me.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 3:23:52 PM
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sunshine22
Posts: 456
Joined: 5/2/2006
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Hi blue, Is your gf still hurting by this sin that was committed against her or is it just you? Does the knowledge of knowing what happened to her in the past makes it hard to see her and know what she's been through? If so, I can relate to that in some respects.
I've been through some awful experiences in my life and so has my fiancee...but I can't carry that hurt for him. I pray that God gives me strength to encourage and help him through the hard time as I am sure he prays the same for me. Because we've both been through we are better able to help each other and maybe it's more of a focus for men...because at times I sense questioning on the part of my fiancee when it comes to my past hurts. God has healed me and continues to heal me...the last thing i'd want and i'm sure your gf feels the same way is for you to take that pain upon yourself and carry it around. It's not yours to carry...just keep her in prayer.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 3:31:32 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1231
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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You can't fix her pain.
She has to be the one to do that.
She needs to forgive herself for making bad choices (in dating a guy she didn't feel at ease with and then
sharing the bedding space or whatever and he groped her while she pretended to be sleeping.)
Continually raking herself over the coals will not make her be at peace with herself.
She has shown remorse and repented of the sin to God and isn't following that worldly path anymore... scripture states she is forgiven... believe it, accept it.
< Message edited by jaimestarcross -- 7/28/2010 4:03:31 PM >
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 3:38:02 PM
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Samsonite12
Posts: 45
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bkj1981
Welcome to FCN, blueinsulation67. Please don't let my wife and I's avatars confuse you (the avatars are the same). May I add my two cents here?
My wife had a VERY difficult childhood and early adult years. She was not a Christian. She had relationships with many people who were not Christians. Many people abused her emotionally, physically, and mentally. By the grace of God (and ONLY by the grace of God), she made it through those brambles and thorns of life, found our Lord and Savior, and is now the most Godly woman I know.
We discussed her past (and my own not-so-pretty past) in great detail before we married. Hearing it was NOT easy. There were times that if those people had been in the room, the selfish HUMAN part of me would have wanted to gouge out their eyes. They HURT my Sweetheart. So that made the selfish part of me want to hurt them just as badly.
So, what did I (and what DO I) do?
I prayed for those people. And I still do. For the hope that they will somehow find salvation through Christ themselves. And I also realized that the past is the past. Nothing that happened can be changed. No one can take it away.
So much of it is attitude. So focus on the great lady that your GF has become. The trials and brambles and thorns she went through have helped to mold her into the person she is today. That's how you can deal with it.
It is very difficult, if not impossible, to remain angry at someone when you are praying for them. Thanks for reading.
quote:
ORIGINAL: sunshine22
Hi blue, Is your gf still hurting by this sin that was committed against her or is it just you? Does the knowledge of knowing what happened to her in the past makes it hard to see her and know what she's been through? If so, I can relate to that in some respects.
I've been through some awful experiences in my life and so has my fiancee...but I can't carry that hurt for him. I pray that God gives me strength to encourage and help him through the hard time as I am sure he prays the same for me. Because we've both been through we are better able to help each other and maybe it's more of a focus for men...because at times I sense questioning on the part of my fiancee when it comes to my past hurts. God has healed me and continues to heal me...the last thing i'd want and i'm sure your gf feels the same way is for you to take that pain upon yourself and carry it around. It's not yours to carry...just keep her in prayer.
Thank you both for your kindness and understanding. bkj1981 you said what I couldn't say clearly. Thank you for the encouragement, I know that I need to pray for him like you said. And for her I will not carry this around :) I will pray and journal about this. Sunshine I feel like your fiancee, with the questioning. God has been leading me to pray more, thank you for the extra encouragement!
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 3:52:21 PM
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laura...
Posts: 3363
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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quote:
ORIGINAL: blueinsulation67
Let me correct what I said.
How do I deal with somone really hurting her? That was what I was going for. Forgive me if my word choice led you the wrong way.
You forgive the ex-boyfriend.
_____________________________
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... ...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrew 12:3-4
Follow me on Twitter: MrsLalaD
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 4:42:51 PM
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theprincessbuttercup
Posts: 2290
Joined: 3/23/2010
From: Boo Radley's back yard
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quote:
Your girlfriend is forgiven. What she needs in a future husband is someone who is eagerly willing to tackle any future problems knowing that through Christ this can be overcome. She deserves a bright happy future free from the burdens of the past.
I'm afraid that your ongoing pain over this is only going to burden her more and make her feel bad and feel guilty over something she is already forgiven for.
This. We hear a lot in psychology saturated society about examining the "why: of all things. Pondering the inner workings that led to this and that. In other words....navel gazing.
So instead of examining a deep and abiding character flaw of someone who has changed over something in the past, you just turn your head away from the past and to the future. You stop. What does that look like? It looks like stopping. When thoughts of this incident come to your mind, you meditate on Phil 4:8 or list all the things you are thankful for or think about the wonderful furture you have with this girl. You just don't go there. The only thing broken in her was what was broken in all of us - sin. And now it is forgiven. No analysis, no deep conversations about how the planets were aligned. Just move forward.
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(My avatar is my daughter's artwork!)
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/28/2010 7:38:29 PM
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ForgivenGrace
Posts: 4630
Joined: 5/11/2005
From: Wherever God plants me.
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Finding a church would be helpful.
Pray for her. Pray for yourself. Pray for the ex-boyfriend.
Forgive the ex-friend. This may be difficult Jesus forgave his murders. Up on the cross while he was being crucified Jesus said. "Father forgive them for they know what they are doing."
You asked about what it means to "give yourself over to God." It is saying God I can't handle this pain. Asking God to help us by reliving our burdens.
_____________________________
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. ~Dr. Seuss
Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/29/2010 3:51:57 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2740
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: blueinsulation67
She has moved in with her father and step mother, and since then she has changed and these changes have stayed. She learned from God's word his design for marriage and relationships. She learned that she had a deep value. Her self image as well as body image changed. God has worked wonders in her life.
I am hurt by her past relationship; I know she was a victim.
In Josh Harris' book Boy meets Girl he talks about how her got over his wifes past fornication and sin. (great book on courtship and marrying the right person for the right reasons) He said time will lesson the sting, though it will never fully go away.
She sounds like she was had a bad start and by God's grace rose above it and is staying above it - that's great! All of us were born sinners and had handicaps of some kind, and God heals us. If she's been there a few years then it sounds like it "took"  and I would consider that that is who she now is.
The only problem remaining is your pain - what are you going to do with it? The injury she suffered was real, but there was tons of injury. You can't take vengeance because God said He'd take care of that, even though you hurt for her. All you can do is hang that bad guy on God's hook and let God deal with him. Every time it comes back to mind, rehang him there and walk away.
It's hard, I know. The sacrifice keeps crawling off the altar. We just have to, by faith, keep putting it back.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/29/2010 3:56:44 PM
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Samsonite12
Posts: 45
Status: offline
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I've starting praying for him :) It hasn't come to mind today accept when I pray, but thats where I put him. Thanks for the encouragement mousie.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/31/2010 11:32:05 AM
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vicbhe
Posts: 63
Joined: 4/24/2005
From: Arkansas
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Man to man... stop competing with him in your mind. He is gone and you are hurting her by doing this. Identify it for what it is and let it go.
_____________________________
"Pay now, play later. Play now, pay later." Orville Ashley, my 10th grade algebra teacher talking about college. Wish I'd listened better back then.
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RE: Past sexual sin - 7/31/2010 2:47:31 PM
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CMT8808
Posts: 915
Joined: 9/4/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: vicbhe
Man to man... stop competing with him in your mind. He is gone and you are hurting her by doing this. Identify it for what it is and let it go.
I agree Vicbhe and I believe you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. Her ex-b/f groped her. He didn't fornicate with her. He basically copped a feel and she already told you that she is still pure and yet you seem to linger on that one statement.
You fiance made a poor choice in a relationship and dumped the guy. Now she is with you but your reaction makes me believe you are the opposite and extreme.
She did not sin as she did not have (HPS) with the guy. He copped a cheap feel and you are blowing this all out of porportion and I also do not see how this caused her to consider herself a victim. She was dating the guy and has a mouth that can say No!
I believe you should consider maturing some, because what will happen when a real crisis comes about, when you have difficulties with this?
And this sitaution causes you this much stress, maybe you should reconsider your marriage proposal, since you consider this a past *sexual* sin.
Good Grief 
CMT
_____________________________
formerly Delete 123
Never Underestimate the Power of God
Romans 8:28, Proverb 3:5
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RE: Past sexual sin - 8/27/2010 2:31:18 AM
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lookn4love
Posts: 90
Joined: 3/29/2010
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CMT8808
quote:
ORIGINAL: vicbhe
Man to man... stop competing with him in your mind. He is gone and you are hurting her by doing this. Identify it for what it is and let it go.
I agree Vicbhe and I believe you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. Her ex-b/f groped her. He didn't fornicate with her. He basically copped a feel and she already told you that she is still pure and yet you seem to linger on that one statement.
You fiance made a poor choice in a relationship and dumped the guy. Now she is with you but your reaction makes me believe you are the opposite and extreme.
She did not sin as she did not have (HPS) with the guy. He copped a cheap feel and you are blowing this all out of porportion and I also do not see how this caused her to consider herself a victim. She was dating the guy and has a mouth that can say No!
I believe you should consider maturing some, because what will happen when a real crisis comes about, when you have difficulties with this?
And this sitaution causes you this much stress, maybe you should reconsider your marriage proposal, since you consider this a past *sexual* sin.
Good Grief
CMT
If Jesus said that looking at a woman lustfully is committing adultery in one's heart, how can you say that "copping a cheap feel" is not sin?
That being said, I agree with your statement that the OP is making a mountain out of a molehill.
To the OP: stop following Josh Harris' rules and just follow your Savior!
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RE: Past sexual sin - 8/27/2010 6:48:26 PM
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CMT8808
Posts: 915
Joined: 9/4/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: blueinsulation67
I have not judged her for this. It did happen before we were together. She shared it with me by her choice alone. She said that I had a right to know what she has been through, that if this relationship went any further then I need to know about; she said she did not want this to come up later and that we needed to deal with it then.
Maybe hurt is not the right word. Sad? Someone hurt her, and she cried when she told me about it. I cried with her. I saw her pain, and it hurt me that someone really hurt her in that way.
OK.
But, then why did you ask this in the thread's OP?
quote:
How do i deal with their relationship?
That's what I'm basing my answers on; your OP gives the impression that you are upset over your girlfriend's relationship with a previous boyfriend.
Being sad over pain that someone has experienced is completely different than being upset (hurt) over something they did.
^^^
Alost~
The O/P changed his id and also changed his post. Originally he was blaming the g/f of past sexual sin when she did nothing wrong.
The ex b/f the one who groped her is guilty of sin.
She is also not a victim, because she 'pretended' to be asleep when she could have stopped the grope by stating, "She does not want to go there."
CMT
_____________________________
formerly Delete 123
Never Underestimate the Power of God
Romans 8:28, Proverb 3:5
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