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Unconditional Love - 7/29/2010 9:44:41 AM
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wifeandmomof3
Posts: 111
Joined: 7/27/2010
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The past few days of reading threads and posts on this forum have been helpful for me, and I feel comfortable asking for advice on a subject I've been struggling with.
My husband didn't drink or smoke when I met him. That was important to me, since I came from a family with addiction/alcoholism issues. We've been married for over nine years. We have three young children. He has been a very good husband, and a good friend. We are both Christians, very active in our church and community.
This past May, he returned from a nine-month deployment with a new habit: smoking cigars. I can't understand how this began, or why, but we had a few initial discussions about it. I gave him a list of reasons it wasn't okay. The primary reason I gave was the health concern, especially since as newlyweds we watched his father die of lung cancer. I couldn't imagine having to go through that with him. He said it was something he enjoyed, and would continue to do despite my concerns. He said that the health concerns weren't worth worrying about because it would be an occassional thing- maybe once a month out with his friends from his Mason's lodge or his military unit. I did not agree and argued as much as I could, but it was fruitless. I spent a few weeks very confused and upset and scared. I taped health fact sheets to his cigar humidor. I left him an article on smoking being a sin. He read these things, and then wrote on one of them to please back off because he was getting angry and that he understood my feelings.
I didn't think he understood, otherwise he would simply quit. But, I determined to simply continue to love and support him as I've always done. I have even made some adjustments to be more loving than ever, such as waking up with him at 3:30 in the morning when he's getting ready for work and making him breakfast. I used to do that before we had kids, but stopped when they came along. Renewing old traditions like this has made me feel better and I think he really appreciates it. He has been very loving and attentive toward me. The strangeness from his initial return home is gone, and I'd say that the initial panic I felt about the cigars isn't as strong, although I am still very upset and scared by it. He has respected my demand that he not do this at home, and that our children not be aware of it. He has kept his cigars in his humidor, which is a wooden box with a lock, so they wont know what is in there.
However, I have noticed that he hasn't been smoking once per month, but a few days per week. He has come home from work smelling like it. I have not said anything, but greeted him as normal when he arrives home. I want to love him unconditionally as I intended to when we got married, even though I never thought this would have entered our lives. I also understand that we have had a lot of stress over the years with deployments and military stuff, and that I should be grateful that this is the worst thing that has come out of it.
Here is the question: I went to tell him breakfast was ready and he was by the side of our bed, moving his weights. His humidor is right behind them. I didn't say anything, just that his breakfast was ready. He came out and while eating, volunteered "I was getting some quick work in on my arms" and showed me his muscles. I laughed and squeezed them and said something about how great he looked. But, I suspected that he had been taking a cigar out to take to work. After he left, I looked, and the box was not in it's normal position. I don't know why I looked. I wish I didn't know for sure that he had been in there. I'm upset now, not only about the cigar use, but that he lied to me. Worse, I didn't even ask him what he was doing, he just volunteered the excuse about using his weights.
Do I say anything about this at all? I was really hoping that through my prayer and support, he would determine that this new habit is wrong and give it up. I want to remain as good of a wife as I can be and hope that his heart and relationship with God leads him to make the decision to quit before it hurts him too badly. But, I'm still very frightened by this choice to smoke. I'm worried about his health, and also about why he made this choice to begin with, i.e. is he susceptible to other bad choices. Now that he has voluntarily and purposefully lied to me, what does that mean? Maybe he knew that I would know what he was doing and wanted to make me feel better, but I'm more worried by this. Honesty is very important to me.
Do I say something, or let it go? I don't want to turn from supportive to needy nag, but I also don't want to ignore it if he's somehow crying out for my help. Any advice?
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RE: Unconditional Love - 7/29/2010 10:00:29 AM
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Samsonite12
Posts: 45
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Get and read, "The Power of the Praying Wife". You can find it at any books a million/lifeway bookstore. I am sure your husband is aware of how you feel about this and what it will do to him in the long run. I wouldn't bring it up. He offered an excuse, this lets me know he was guilty for it. He knows he did something wrong, by lying to you. He knows he is guilty and God uses guilt. Be the supportive wife he needs, be the safe place for him, and pray hard that God's will will be done. The Power of the Praying Wife is about how effective prayers can change a person. Please, do not nag him for this. He knows how you feel and he is not going to forget how you feel. God is the only one that can change hearts.
Again, be a prayerful wife. Support him, love him unconditionally.
A short anecdote: When I was around seven I found out my great uncle Nolan smoked. I called him up that day and asked him in my little seven year old way to stop because I loved him. If your kids find this out, then maybe they can talk to him. This is not a method that will always work, and I know you will not use your kids in a manipulative way. Just be the wife he needs :)
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RE: Unconditional Love - 7/29/2010 10:16:25 AM
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Samsonite12
Posts: 45
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She has already brought up her concerns about his health. Saying all that again would be in the husband's eyes nagging. Calling him out on the lie is different. Though you have to consider, one, he already felt guilty it seems so adding to his guilt may not be the best, most loving thing.
I am not saying to let it go completely but to pray about it. Though I do like what you said at then end. How about, "Honey, this morning I felt like you were lying to me about what you were really doing. That makes me feel like you don't trust me to respond graciously or to continue loving you, and that hurts me."
Hmm. Though if God leads her to confront him again that His call and He knows best. I'll pray for wifeandmomof3 and your husband.
(ps. I am a triplite and my mom always called herself tripplemom on forums. Is that the same case with you? :) )
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RE: Unconditional Love - 7/29/2010 10:21:37 AM
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wifeandmomof3
Posts: 111
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Thank you both for your fast responses. I will continue praying about this and I will check out the book.
I've thought very hard about the children in this, because of how hard my father-in-law's illness hit me (and of course, my husband, which makes it all the harder to understand him taking this up). He was diagnosed, and died eight weeks later. It was really a horrible thing to watch. He lost over sixty pounds in that two-month period. He couldn't eat. He coughed up blood constantly. It was really horrible. My husband was shaken and broke down in tears regularly for over a year after that.
I don't want my kids to ever go through that. I don't want to go through it again. We have spoken to the two older ones for as long as I can remember about how smoking kills people. We told them flat out that their Grandpa died because he smoked. When I told my husband that I didn't want them to know about his new habit, he agreed adamantly. He has always been a great dad. I build him up to the children, particularly when he is away and deployed. They look up to him and respect him. I'm afraid that if they found out, while they might be able to pressure him to quit, he may permanently lose respect or trust from them. While I don't want them to think anyone is a perfect person, I also don't want them to see their father as a hypocrite. They aren't old enough to understand the complexities of people, and I want to leave daddy as the hero for as long as possible, because he really is.
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RE: Unconditional Love - 7/29/2010 10:25:12 AM
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wifeandmomof3
Posts: 111
Joined: 7/27/2010
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No, not triplets. 8, 7, and 2. I tried to choose wifeandmom, but that was apparently already taken.
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RE: Unconditional Love - 7/29/2010 10:39:37 AM
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Samsonite12
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Oh the complexities of life!
Lord we pray for this situation. Be with her husband and his heroic heart. We thank you for him and for all he has done for our safety and freedom. Stir up his heart warrior God, that he could see this as an enemey to be fought, for him and his family. We echo Nehemiah's prayer for him, "Don't be afraid of them. Remember the great and awe-inspiring Lord, and fight for your...sons, and daughters, your wives and homes." God inspire his warriors heart and open his eyes. We pray that Satan and his Demons schemes will come to naught, we pray that angels will surround the home, and strengthen his wife to nurture and have wisdom. Lead her and use her in this situation God. Amen.
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RE: Unconditional Love - 7/29/2010 10:52:20 AM
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Simway
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You have had your say, now back off like he told you to do. The more you talk about this the more likely you are to push him into doing exactly what you don't want him to do. When people are pushed many will move ahead just to show they can and will do it. Pray for him to stop, you can't make him. It is his choice, and like everything else, there are rewards, or lack there of for choices made in this life.
I do wish you the best.
Simway
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RE: Unconditional Love - 7/29/2010 12:27:33 PM
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iluvatar
Posts: 3539
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: wifeandmomof3
Do I say anything about this at all? I was really hoping that through my prayer and support, he would determine that this new habit is wrong and give it up. I want to remain as good of a wife as I can be and hope that his heart and relationship with God leads him to make the decision to quit before it hurts him too badly. But, I'm still very frightened by this choice to smoke. I'm worried about his health, and also about why he made this choice to begin with, i.e. is he susceptible to other bad choices. Now that he has voluntarily and purposefully lied to me, what does that mean? Maybe he knew that I would know what he was doing and wanted to make me feel better, but I'm more worried by this. Honesty is very important to me.
Do I say something, or let it go? I don't want to turn from supportive to needy nag, but I also don't want to ignore it if he's somehow crying out for my help. Any advice?
Honestly, I think your fear has more potential to be destructive than the tobacco does. It's good to be cautious, aware, and informed. It's bad to be excessively fearful and to use that fear as a basis for improper/incorrect judgments and assessments of other areas of life.
Is smoking cigars healthy? No. But it's not necessarily a sin either. Being addicted to something is wrong; letting something control you is wrong; occasionally engaging in a mildly unhealthy hobby is not. There's no redeeming value to eating cupcakes or drinking soda, but would you have the same level of fear if he had one of those every day? Obesity can be as deadly as smoking.
quote:
I didn't think he understood, otherwise he would simply quit. But, I determined to simply continue to love and support him as I've always done. I have even made some adjustments to be more loving than ever, such as waking up with him at 3:30 in the morning when he's getting ready for work and making him breakfast. I used to do that before we had kids, but stopped when they came along. Renewing old traditions like this has made me feel better and I think he really appreciates it. He has been very loving and attentive toward me.
Do these things because you love him and because you want to make him happy. Do not do them with the expectation that he'll turn around and do what you want him to. That would be manipulative and it'll push him away.
quote:
I'm worried about his health, and also about why he made this choice to begin with, i.e. is he susceptible to other bad choices.
Let's not get carried away. He took up smoking cigars after going to war. With all the horrible things he could have come back with, an affinity for cigars is pretty benign.
quote:
Now that he has voluntarily and purposefully lied to me, what does that mean?
You don't know that. Maybe he was lifting weights. Or maybe he was doing both.
But let me ask you something... Let's say you're right and he was getting a cigar to smoke at work. How would you have reacted if he'd told you the truth? How would that reaction have affected breakfast and the rest of the day?
-Dan.
< Message edited by iluvatar -- 7/29/2010 12:35:44 PM >
_____________________________
Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.
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RE: Unconditional Love - 7/29/2010 12:44:06 PM
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wifeandmomof3
Posts: 111
Joined: 7/27/2010
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I really can't say how I would have reacted. I recognize that I have no control over him, nor do I want to have a marriage where control is a factor. I also recognize that my fear is a problem, and I am struggling with it and with praying for relief from it. I cannot dictate his choices, I can only control my reactions to him and how I live.
I agree that junkfood can be harmful as well. I try to make healthy meals. I encourage him to exercise. And, I take care of myself. I don't drink soda, although I do have the occassional cupcake. But, I really haven't had any cause for alarm in the area of his eating or anything like that. When I see him becoming stressed at work or with other responsibilities, I do encourage him to relax and help him with massage and taking over duties for things he volunteered to do. I want him to be healthy and as stress-free as possible for the good of his heart and blood pressure, though he's never had an issue with either.
I guess my fear with this comes mainly from seeing his father pass. It was fast and it was devastating. Yes, a million things can kill a person, and I can't stop him from engaging in one that has a high potential for doing so. As a man, I'm glad to hear your input. There really is such a big difference between men and women in how they interpret situations, and I don't want to be a nag or controlling. I want to behave toward him however he needs me to, and I'm not always sure how that is.
I just wasn't sure if I should say anything about the lie, or not. I don't want to jump on him for trying to protect my feelings or our early morning time together. I really do appreciate that time with him, even if it is so early, and I think he does too.
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RE: Unconditional Love - 7/29/2010 12:44:32 PM
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Samsonite12
Posts: 45
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1 Corinthians 8
Food Offered to Idols
1Now concerning[a](A) food offered to idols: we know that(B) "all of us possess knowledge." This "knowledge"(C) puffs up,(D) but love builds up. 2(E) If anyone imagines that he knows something,(F) he does not yet know as he ought to know. 3But if anyone loves God,(G) he is known by God.
4Therefore, as to the eating of food offered to idols, we know that(H) "an idol has no real existence," and that(I) "there is no God but one." 5For although there may be(J) so-called gods in heaven or on earth—as indeed there are many "gods" and many "lords"— 6yet(K) for us there is one God, the Father,(L) from whom are all things and for whom we exist, and(M) one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom are all things and(N) through whom we exist.
7However, not all possess this knowledge. But some,(O) through former association with idols, eat food as really offered to an idol, and(P) their conscience, being weak, is defiled. 8(Q) Food will not commend us to God. We are no worse off if we do not eat, and no better off if we do. 9But take care(R) that this right of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block(S) to the weak. 10For if anyone sees you who have knowledge eating[c] in an idol’s temple, will he not be encouraged,[d] if his conscience is weak, to eat food offered to idols? 11And so by your knowledge this weak person is(T) destroyed, the brother for whom Christ died. 12Thus, sinning against your brothers[e] and(U) wounding their conscience when it is weak,(V) you sin against Christ. 13Therefore,(W) if food makes my brother stumble, I will never eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble.
In this case it is sin because it is wounding her conscience.
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RE: Unconditional Love - 7/29/2010 2:27:35 PM
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Liveloved
Posts: 2109
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quote:
I came from a family with addiction/alcoholism issues.
I read your post and I think this statement is key to understanding yourself and your response to your husband. YOU came from a famiy with addiction/alcoholism issues. So your perceptions and responses are all influenced by that. You need to recognize and deal with that.
In contrast, your husband did NOT come from that background. He thinks and responds differently to these same things. That, too, is something you need to recognize and deal with. He is not wrong to see things differently that you!
quote:
I can't understand how this began, or why, but we had a few initial discussions about it. I gave him a list of reasons it wasn't okay.
That is YOUR view. You can't understand his choice. HIS view is that this same choice is OK. I think He does understand you. . . but He does not agree. You need to allow him to be who he is and see this differently.
quote:
I didn't think he understood, otherwise he would simply quit. But, I determined to simply continue to love and support him as I've always done. I have even made some adjustments to be more loving than ever, such as waking up with him at 3:30 in the morning when he's getting ready for work and making him breakfast.
This is wonderful! You are living out a godly example when you choose love and support and are looking for ways to adjust and show him your love! Bless you and continue! This is what the Lord would have you do. 
quote:
He has respected my demand that he not do this at home And this is wonderful on his part! He does understand and is respecting your views even though he does not agree. Bless him as well!
quote:
I left him an article on smoking being a sin. He read these things, and then wrote on one of them to please back off because he was getting angry and that he understood my feelings.
I'm sorry but many do not agree with 'smoking being a sin', myself included. It is certainly not a good or healthful habit but it is not sin.
He knows how you feel. He knows what you want him to do. He sees it differently.
Allow him his choice. Love and pray. If the Lord wants your husband to give up this habit, He will make it happen. You've said your piece. Give it up and leave it in the Lord's hands.
I think your pressure and attitudes are putting your husband in a position he does not want to be in. Not wanting to be open and truthful is often the result when we put this kind of pressure on others. He is not free to be who he is.
Back off, love him and pray for him. In many ways you are both doing wonderfully. Let your fears go. Perfect love casts out fear. Put your husband and his health and the choices he is making in the Lord's capable hands. He cares for you. May He meet all of your needs as you surrender to Him. Blessings, Liveloved
_____________________________
Liveloved
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Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
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RE: Unconditional Love - 7/29/2010 2:37:01 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1231
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quote:
owever, I have noticed that he hasn't been smoking once per month, but a few days per week. He has come home from work smelling like it. I have not said anything, but greeted him as normal when he arrives home. I want to love him unconditionally as I intended to when we got married, even though I never thought this would have entered our lives. I also understand that we have had a lot of stress over the years with deployments and military stuff, and that I should be grateful that this is the worst thing that has come out of it.
*I would of said something about it the first time he came home smelling of cigars... since that didn't happen I would ask about the increase in smoking them and ask him not to come home smelling so strong of cigars.
Here is the question: I went to tell him breakfast was ready and he was by the side of our bed, moving his weights. His humidor is right behind them. I didn't say anything, just that his breakfast was ready. He came out and while eating, volunteered "I was getting some quick work in on my arms" and showed me his muscles. I laughed and squeezed them and said something about how great he looked. But, I suspected that he had been taking a cigar out to take to work. After he left, I looked, and the box was not in it's normal position. I don't know why I looked. I wish I didn't know for sure that he had been in there. I'm upset now, not only about the cigar use, but that he lied to me. Worse, I didn't even ask him what he was doing, he just volunteered the excuse about using his weights.
*(Overly sensitive in the area of his cigars).... the man has a humidor and keeps cigars in there, one would naturally assume he would take cigars out of it since he does smoke them. Yes, I know you don't like them and you know his dad died of lung cancer, however, the son also knows that as well... unfortunately he has decided to smoke cigars and is around others who smoke them too.
Do I say anything about this at all? I was really hoping that through my prayer and support, he would determine that this new habit is wrong and give it up.
*Is your husband as a devout Christian as you? If not gently encourage him in this area. His work place isn't christian and the people there probably aren't either. He will have to decide to get his focus back on the Lord and making time for spiritual nourishment...otherwise his flesh gains the upper hand and will continue to lead him back to worldliness.
I want to remain as good of a wife as I can be and hope that his heart and relationship with God leads him to make the decision to quit before it hurts him too badly. But, I'm still very frightened by this choice to smoke. I'm worried about his health, and also about why he made this choice to begin with, i.e. is he susceptible to other bad choices. Now that he has voluntarily and purposefully lied to me, what does that mean? Maybe he knew that I would know what he was doing and wanted to make me feel better, but I'm more worried by this. Honesty is very important to me.
*Honesty is important...but unless you can actually prove he didn't tell the truth there's no point in assuming otherwise. The box got moved, so it could of gotten that way when it got bumped or jarred(by anyone who lives in the home.) He smokes and you watching him so closely around the humidor probably is unnerving and probably makes him feel like a child who needs to ask permission.
You know your husband smokes cigars and he's around others who smoke, he also knows you are very sensitive about the issue...so this complicates the matter.
If he's not going to stop voluntarily you can't make him stop smoking and arguing the point won't get you to far. Even if he would of said, "honey I grabbed a couple of cigars out of the box" - that wouldn't of made you happy, you would be upset... you are upset over what you think happened... either way the reaction is the same-- you would be upset... a no win situation.
Take the focus off of the cigar and put it back on the Lord... be a silent witness and mind your reactions to his smoking.
The real issue is his lack in ability to withstand worldly influences-- he needs your continued prayer and love.
He doesn't need another drill Sargent . You have stated plainly how you feel about him smoking and even taped the hazards of smoking to the humidor...so back off and put the matter in God's hands and allow him to work it out. Lean on the Lord and trust him to work on your husband's heart. Be living out biblical standards in the home.
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
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RE: Unconditional Love - 7/29/2010 2:40:03 PM
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Samsonite12
Posts: 45
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It is not a sin in itself, but by this principle it is.
quote:
ORIGINAL: blueinsulation67
1 Corinthians 8
Food Offered to Idols
1Now concerning[a](A) food offered to idols: we know that(B) "all of us possess knowledge." This "knowledge"(C) puffs up,(D) but love builds up. 2(E) If anyone imagines that he knows something,(F) he does not yet know as he ought to know. 3But if anyone loves God,(G) he is known by God.
4Therefore, as to the eating of food offered to idols, we know that(H) "an idol has no real existence," and that(I) "there is no God but one." 5For although there may be(J) so-called gods in heaven or on earth—as indeed there are many "gods" and many "lords"— 6yet(K) for us there is one God, the Father,(L) from whom are all things and for whom we exist, and(M) one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom are all things and(N) through whom we exist.
7However, not all possess this knowledge. But some,(O) through former association with idols, eat food as really offered to an idol, and(P) their conscience, being weak, is defiled. 8(Q) Food will not commend us to God. We are no worse off if we do not eat, and no better off if we do. 9But take care(R) that this right of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block(S) to the weak. 10For if anyone sees you who have knowledge eating[c] in an idol’s temple, will he not be encouraged,[d] if his conscience is weak, to eat food offered to idols? 11And so by your knowledge this weak person is(T) destroyed, the brother for whom Christ died. 12Thus, sinning against your brothers[e] and(U) wounding their conscience when it is weak,(V) you sin against Christ. 13Therefore,(W) if food makes my brother stumble, I will never eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble.
In this case it is sin because it is wounding her conscience.
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RE: Unconditional Love - 7/29/2010 3:44:40 PM
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Liveloved
Posts: 2109
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quote:
In this case it is sin because it is wounding her conscience.
This is a commonly misunderstood and misapplied passage. In this case, her conscience is NOT being wounded.
I will PM you on this as to not derail the thread.
< Message edited by Liveloved -- 7/30/2010 3:36:29 AM >
_____________________________
Liveloved
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Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
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RE: Unconditional Love - 7/29/2010 4:23:08 PM
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AppleofGodseye
Posts: 56
Joined: 6/16/2005
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quote:
Let your fears go. Perfect love casts out fear.
I am not married - so take my reply with a grain of salt. 
Perfect love - in demonstration (and this is just my suggestion): Yes God in you loving him, but in application - you mentioned that this happened since he returned from the war.
This is a big concern I have for people that return: they have faced things and/or seen things there that can change a person. Their mental, emotional and spiritual are affected but whatever went on and sometimes - men being men - don't know how to talk about it, release it and will internalize things.
I am no psychologists or anything - but suggestion: ask him about the things that happened over there "specifically when he is smoking" - why - because there is a reason his mind is going back to that place and it triggers something in him to cause him to want to light up, or vice versa - because of something he wants to forget and the smoking (the actual smoke - cloud/fumes) seems to make the thoughts a little cloudier, the pain of the event or action. . . .
I don't want to get too deep with it - but it is a reaction, since you mentioned he had a standard before but since this event he's changed. And the woman he loves (you) have let him know how you feel about the behavior, it grieves you and yet it's something he has made known to you he will still continue to do for himself - Therefore the event may have had an affect on his mind and his coping ability and this is his way that he knows to relax or deal with the thoughts/pain or whatever.
Prayer does work - pray for wisdom, guidance, and his peace of mind/spirit - that only God can give which surpasses ALL Knowledge, and Understanding. 
If you want, and this is just a suggestion again - talk to someone else, maybe on-line, that has been in the war so you can have something to bring to a conversation with your husband on the topic - because perhaps he perceives that he can't talk to you about it thinking you would never be able to understand - but if you had some info to bring to the table. . . . . .
I love you for wanting an answer and not wanting to nag. Thank you for sharing.
I pray your marriage stays together in the bond of unity and peace, in the name of Jesus. And I rebuke the spirit of fear and division. Holy Spirit comfort and guide her through this season and trying of her faith - help her to build even stronger and higher in this bond that you have joined together, let no man, spirit or habit come between or tear it apart. That she has triumph through the blood of the lamb, Jesus and a great testimony.
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RE: Unconditional Love - 7/30/2010 4:41:48 AM
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wifeandmomof3
Posts: 111
Joined: 7/27/2010
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Thank you all for your prayers and advice. I really appreciate it. I needed someone to ask, but I wasn't sure who to speak to about it. My closest girlfriend just had a baby this week, so I obviously didn't want to go to her with any issue I was having. And, I didn't feel comfortable speaking with anyone else.
I try not to say anything negative about my husband to others, and really believe it's part of my job to present him positively. I worried that posting in a public forum would be a violation of that, but it has been really helpful. I guess as long as you are seeking help, not just trying to put someone down, it's okay. This really has been helpful.
I did not say anything about it to him last night or this morning. I actually felt a kind of peace about it last night. This morning, I felt a little anxious. I had to remind myself that this is his choice and I need to find peace for myself by not giving it my attention. I reminded myself that I am not his mother, I am his wife.
I will try to ask him about his deployment more. This was his second time in the middle east. First, he went to Iraq. After that deployment, he had a harder time, and we did a lot of talking about it and working through it. This time, he was in Saudi Arabia. All he's really said about this one was that it was boring, and he felt like it was a waste of time. From here at home, I was happy to have him on a "boring" deployment.
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RE: Unconditional Love - 7/30/2010 8:17:00 AM
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car2ner
Posts: 3441
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: just north of Florida
Status: offline
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Deployments can be harder on your man than on you. At least you are still at home. I realize it is tough for a woman when no matter how hard we try, we can imagine all the terrible things that can happen to our sweethearts. Keep on putting your beloved into God's hands (easy to say, I know). That includes all of his decisions while he is away as well as his cigars. Of course, like the other gals mentioned, you let him know your concerns. Men cannot read our minds. But don't keep bugging him about it. Some men will cover up what they do because they love their wives and really don't want to upset them. Never beat him up when he comes to you with something he messed up. One thing you can do is let him know that you have confidence in him that he'll continue to make the best choices for himself and his family. When he feels comfortable you can work together on the issues that bother you both.
_____________________________
http://www.car2ner.2ya.com
http://car2ner.imagekind.com
"May your days be long and your hardships few".
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RE: Unconditional Love - 7/30/2010 11:20:57 AM
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Liveloved
Posts: 2109
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: wifeandmomof3
Thank you all for your prayers and advice. I really appreciate it. I needed someone to ask, but I wasn't sure who to speak to about it. My closest girlfriend just had a baby this week, so I obviously didn't want to go to her with any issue I was having. And, I didn't feel comfortable speaking with anyone else.
I try not to say anything negative about my husband to others, and really believe it's part of my job to present him positively. I worried that posting in a public forum would be a violation of that, but it has been really helpful. I guess as long as you are seeking help, not just trying to put someone down, it's okay. This really has been helpful.
I did not say anything about it to him last night or this morning. I actually felt a kind of peace about it last night. This morning, I felt a little anxious. I had to remind myself that this is his choice and I need to find peace for myself by not giving it my attention. I reminded myself that I am not his mother, I am his wife.
I will try to ask him about his deployment more. This was his second time in the middle east. First, he went to Iraq. After that deployment, he had a harder time, and we did a lot of talking about it and working through it. This time, he was in Saudi Arabia. All he's really said about this one was that it was boring, and he felt like it was a waste of time. From here at home, I was happy to have him on a "boring" deployment.
What an encouraging word from you, wifeandmomof3. I hear the Lord in you and working through you. . . He is the Peace giver. I am so thankful you are willing and wanting to be a godly wife. It is a privilege to serve Jesus in this way. May the Lord bless you richly for your love for Him and faithfulness to your husband.
Surrendering things like this into the Lord's hands to deal with is not easy. For many years I wanted my husband to find different work. I won't go into the story but nagging and talking accomplished only to make him frustrated and sometimes angry with me. And so I gave it up. . . giving it to the Lord. He gave me a peacefulness and eventually He brought a new job to my husband. PTL!
We sometimes think we know what is best. And sometimes we are wrong. And usually 'the way' God is going to accomplish something is far different from what we envision.
Love your husband and seek to be his helper and lover and meet his needs as God would have you. And as you do, the blessing of the Lord will be upon you and I have no doubt that your husband will respond with favor as well.
Grace and peace my godly friend! Liveloved
III John 4
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Liveloved
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Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
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RE: Unconditional Love - 8/3/2010 1:00:42 AM
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married4fun
Posts: 1
Joined: 12/9/2005
Status: offline
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To wifeandmomof3,
I smoked cigarettes from age 16 until mid 20's. Then I smoked cigars for quite a few years, and then quit that also. I really think you are blowing this thing out of proportion. You sound like a great wife....I mean you get up early to fix him breakfast....that’s a little thing that can go a long way in a relationship. Yet, I think that in the large scheme of things - this is nothing. Let the man smoke his cigars. If you back off and quit telling him what to do he will appreciate that. He sounds like the considerate kind of person that would not smoke cigars in your car or home. Ask him to smoke outside and try to appreciate the kind of husband that you have. I'm sure you can find many good things about him that will make this seem trivial. And I'm also sure you can think of many ways in which he lets you know he values your opinion. I am just sensing that you are stepping on his man toes here and are becoming more Mama than Wife.
If this is the worst test of your unconditional love then you are indeed lucky.
Besides, He will probably quit on his own when he gets good and ready.
Good luck.
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RE: Unconditional Love - 8/3/2010 9:40:34 AM
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wifeandmomof3
Posts: 111
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline
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Thank you for your input. I haven't said anything else to him about the cigars since my posts first began. But, that hasn't eased my feelings. I still feel that at forty-years-old, you shouldn't just suddenly take up a bad habit. And, I don't understand this one at all, particularly with what we went through with his father's lung cancer and death.
I'm acting and behaving in a loving way, and I am determined to continue to do so. But, the truth is that I feel scared and even angry. Whether these feelings are unreasonable or not, I don't know. I feel that they are, but then again I'm unable to be objective in this situation. I'll keep praying for comfort and support in being a good wife, and hopefully with the grace of God, my positive actions will influence my negative feelings about this.
For those of you who have said that it could be worse...you are right. I continue to remind myself that this isn't the worst thing in the world, and by posting here, I hope no one feels that I'm trying to compare my situation with others who might be in the midst of greater crisis. I just needed some advice and support. I appreciate everyone's input.
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) the level of fear and emotion you attach to this flaw of his has the potential to do a lot more damage to all of the family than his actually smoking them. 
